Flattening the [Emotional] Curve

I have been watching my inner experience over the past 3-weeks. It has gone something like this:

And it feels a bit like:

There have been a few causes for these ups and downs:

• ummm… a global pandemic;
• I am in a completely new scenario that I have never been in before and I am learning on the job. The inner controller is not coping as it needs to be fully capable at life now;
• I have been running a (previously unconscious) storyline that I should somehow experience less of the ‘unpleasant’ emotions because I have done so much work on myself;
• An urgency to ‘feel more stable and consistently positive’ so I can help alleviate the suffering of the world (#nopressure);
• I have not been really allowing my full experience. Yes, I was at an intellectual level. Elsa had it wrong. Emotions are to be felt. But sitting with deep grief is, well, not enjoyable;
• Using gratitude as both a carrot and a stick.“Oh, I am so grateful for this beautiful moment!”. And, also: “I shouldn’t feel grief, because I have so much to be grateful for!”.

But most of all, these ups and downs are because I am human.

I imagine all the people stuck at home in a domestic violence situation. Or of the dying that cannot have anyone with them. Or the family of six stuck inside their one-room hut in South Africa. Or the pregnant woman, wondering if her partner can be at the birth. Or the new mother navigating matrescence as well as a pandemic, and all without the support of her village that is now in social isolation.

It is because we are human, and because we are loving, that we are experiencing these ups and downs. We oscillate between a state of deep joy, fun, laughter and gratitude for having such precious times with our family. To other times we feel overwhelmed, angry, frustrated and hopeless. And we are grieving all the pleasures and excitement we enjoyed just a month ago, along with the collective sadness.

How can we flatten our [emotional] curve (or help it not to be so intense)?

1. Bring warmth and compassion to ourselves and everyone else. No-one knows how to navigate this crazy terrain. This is literally a 1 in a 100-year event that our grandkids will ask us about. We are doing our best. We don’t know what we are doing from one day to the next. There is no handbook for this! It’s impossible to always feel good, or stable, or happy, or grateful. It is a peak time that we will always remember as being one of the most difficult of our lives. Let’s meet ourselves like we would a child navigating a horrific, confusing event. Let’s bring so much warmth and compassion to ourselves and to everyone else who, like us, are navigating this unchartered time.
2. Build mindfulness skills. Can we build our ability to stay present? Even if the present moment has a challenging emotion? For the majority of moments, we are safe, healthy and at ease. It is when we think about all that we are missing or projecting all the future catastrophes that could unfold, that we experience stress. What if we committed to ourselves to engage with the present moment when we remember? When strong emotions arise, we can engage all of our senses to bring great relief. We can feel our feet on the ground. We can take a moment to consciously engage with our breath. There is much relief and peace in the present moment. And by taking the time to stop and be present, we can connect with our own strength, experience and wisdom.
3. Get out of our heads. Do you worry about worrying? Anxious about being anxious? Overwhelmed about being overwhelmed? Yes, me too. It is our minds that are the problem when it comes to our emotions. If we let go of the labels, judgment, fear of the emotion, or trying to fix them, we can soon realise they are just a human experience that is neither positive or negative. This allows us to welcome the emotions, and allow them to be here until they are ready to leave (research says, about 90-seconds!).
4. Get into our bodies. Our emotions are stored in our bodies (“our issues are in our tissues”), but as mentioned above, we get all heady about our emotions which leads to suffering. The path to experiencing greater ease with challenging emotions is to get out of our usual mind-based approach to ‘figuring out and fixing” and instead experience these emotions in our bodies. Where am I experiencing this emotion in my body? If it was a shape, what shape would it be? If it was a colour, what colour would it be? And here is a fun way to get some relief — DANCE! Dancing, shaking our bodies and other movements that brings us into our bodies and out of our heads allows us to experience and allow the emotion. Which in turn, often makes it go on its merry way. Try it, it works!
5. Simplify what we do each day. Lower our expectations. Don’t try to achieve what we did a month ago. Remember how we were dreaming of a simpler life? The opportunity is now. But it requires a shedding of expectations and habits. Ask: what is absolutely essential to our life right now? What do I need to let go of for now? We need space to be able to navigate and integrate this time.
6. Double down on our wellbeing habits and rituals. I’m not talking a massage here, or handwashing for that matter ;) I mean doing more of the things that fill you up, and letting go of all non-essential activities to create room for this. This could simply be going to bed early. Exercising. Calling a friend. It could be choosing to put boundaries on the 24/7 news cycle and social media. You know what makes you feel better, so do more of that. And when you can’t be bothered, and want to indulge a bit longer; bring love and compassion for yourself because it is bloody hard right now!
7. Getting ok with opposites of emotions. Can we sit with being BOTH grounded and ungrounded? Being BOTH positive and pessimistic? Can we build our muscle of being able to be with confusing and opposite emotions? Our ability to stay with all emotions can be a path to freedom and is the practice of a lifetime;
8. Connect with our inner and outer resources. Find our sources of strength. Remember times where we’ve overcome challenges in the past. How can we best support ourselves in this time under these tough conditions? What is one small, positive change that I can make?;
9. Remind ourselves what really matters to us, and try to take action towards that. What is most important to us in life? How do we want to show up? How do we want to remember this time? How do we want our family to remember this time? When things are hard, connecting to what matters most can be a source of great relief. And taking small steps towards what’s important can give a sense of achievement where no other opportunities might exist. And most of all, remember number one above. We can’t always show up as we want to because there are a lot of barriers standing in our way right now. So we must always build compassion for ourselves because there is no perfect way to live life.
10. Learn to work with our mind and emotions through this time. This video and this PDF are great places to start.
11. Create and savour ‘pockets of joy’ — small, beautiful moments throughout your day to experience a sense of wellbeing and ease. This could simply be savouring our morning coffee with gratitude that we still have coffee beans.

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” — Viktor Frankl

May you experience wellbeing and ease, and when you don’t, may you bring your hand to your heart and send love within. x Belinda