Matrescence: from Woman to Mother
When I became a mother, I was alarmed that I did not enjoy every moment.
I was shocked at the river of rage and resentment that sometimes ran underneath the surface along with bliss, joy and love like I had never experienced before.
I found myself daydreaming about being on a solo holiday, but if ever I had time away from our baby, I spent the entire time missing her!
I thought I could take my problem-solving skills and apply them to motherhood.
X + Y = Z
Information/skill + perfect implementation = baby sleeping/eating/life returning to normal/other problems solved
I created sleep and feeding spreadsheets to create certainty.
I searched for routines, solutions and competence to feel in control.
I asked experts for advice but they focused only on the wellbeing of the baby which threw fuel on my anxiety-fire. I was sensitive to their judgment and desperately sought their validation. I conscientiously implemented the advice they gave me, blamed myself when it didn’t work and burnt myself out in the process.
I had all the rules of what I would and wouldn’t do.
I had expectations about what my baby would be like, and how I would mother.
I had strong beliefs about what a good and bad mother does and is.
What happened for me in early motherhood was that my inner dictator gained an even louder voice, and, shame flourished. I struggled to navigate the confusion, and paradox that was early motherhood. There was no language and no conceptual model that existed to help me see that my experience was a typical experience of motherhood.
If only I knew then, what I know now.
If only every mother was given education, love and compassion for the stage they are in.
If only they knew about the developmental rite of passage like no other…
Matrescence.
When a woman gives birth or adopts, she is born into an entirely new life. A life that she can feel alarmingly unprepared for. She will undergo the biggest transformation of her life which can be destabilising and take her to the highest of highs, and lowest of lows.
Unless a mother knows about the expected and normal qualities of this transformation, she can start to internalise that there is something wrong with her and/or her motherhood experience.
What is Matrescence?
In my mentoring discussions with Dr Aurelie Athan, she has helped me conceptualise matrescence being like adolescence. Dr Athan has developed a conceptual framework for Matrescence that spans across multiple domains:
- Biological
- Psychological + Emotional
- Social + Political
- Spiritual
This is my adaption of her work based on my own understanding of Matrescence informed by my reading on motherhood.
The transition from woman to mother is called matrescence. You may notice that matrescence sounds quite similar to adolescence; they have many similar attributes.
In adolescence, we acknowledge the biological, psychological, social and spiritual (existential) changes that occur from child to adult. We recognise that the period of adolescence can be a time of great confusion and challenge as a new identity emerges.
When a woman gives birth or adopts, she undergoes a similar set of changes and challenges. The difference is, she has to go through this life-altering transition while being chronically sleep deprived, having to learn on-the-job, and whilst having to care for a very dependent and cute little human. And unlike a teenager, she very often has to cook and do her own washing ;)
Matrescence is the non-linear process of becoming a mother which includes integrating the role of mothering with our sense of self. We undergo this transition while also learning on the job, and experiencing the daily joy and full catastrophe of life that naturally accompanies motherhood.
Matrescence is both oppressive and liberating in nature. It is an experience of disorientation and reorientation marked by an acceleration of changes in multiple domains: physical (changes in the body, hormonal fluctuations); psychological (e.g., identity, personality, defensive structure, self-esteem); social (e.g., re-evaluation of friendships, the forgiveness of loved ones, gains in social status, or loss of professional status), and spiritual (e.g., existential questioning, re-commitment to faith, increased religious/spiritual practices).
Is this the most transformational time in history for mothers?
Can you imagine a time when no one knew about Adolescence?
When you consider how long there have been mothers, it is incredible to realise that only in the past couple of years has there been any knowledge about Matrescence.
History will look back on this time and ask:
How could no one have known about Matrescence?
Conceptualising Matrescence
Matrescence is a relatively new field of study and practice. Anthropologist, Dana Raphael coined the term in 1973, but it wasn’t until 2008 that the world took notice. Dr Aurelie Athan from Columbia University revived the term matrescence through education, theory, and practice. Dr Alexander Sacks created further awareness through her NY Times article and TEDTalk on the topic.
For ease, I have provided some examples of matresence by the core domains below.
We must recognise that a woman is not an island. She is transforming under extreme environmental conditions such as:
- Steep learning curve: learning how to mother when there is no handbook that takes into consideration the unique woman, baby, family and many other parts of the motherhood system. This may be the first time that the woman has felt incapable and out of control.
- Little to no village to support her with learning how to mother, and also baby care. A sense of isolation.
- Relentless baby care: the baby’s needs run over the full 24-hours, seven days per week.
- Chronic exhaustion: the debilitating effects of sleep deprivation.
- Invisible and often devalued work that she performs domestically.
- Diverse mothering experiences (e.g. sleep, feeding, baby personality and sensitivity) can result in a mother feeling like she is doing something wrong when comparing her experience to others. And, the curated social media feed amplifies comparison and suffering.
Matrescence is counter-cultural.
In my conversations with Dr Aurelie Athan, she has talked about matrescence being counter-cultural: a process of becoming rather than achieving. It requires time and patience. It has suffering inherent within it despite motherhood being portrayed as a sentimental and moral pursuit with constant messages such as ‘enjoy every moment!’.
Of course, motherhood has many beautiful moments, times where we feel our heart may burst with love, and times of bliss like no other.
AND, it also brings great suffering. It is painful when our sense of self is disintegrating and in the period before we have evolved to our new identity. It can be shocking and even excruciating to both love and hate motherhood at different times. We can internalise feelings of anger and resentment that naturally arise as evidence that there is something wrong with us or our experience.
Our culture says that unless you are happy and positive, there’s something wrong with you that needs fixing. And, if you are feeling sad, angry or suffering in some other way we give the message that you are simply just one solution or positive affirmation away from being your ideal self.
How can we support matrescence?
What mothers really need is to be emotionally held with mindfulness and compassion. She needs non-judgmental, compassionate support that is mother and baby-centred — that prioritises the wellbeing of both. She needs people who believe in her, who feel she knows the answer and just needs help to access it. She needs people around her who can normalise the suffering that goes with motherhood without needing to fix her or her challenges. She needs a community of mothers around her who speak authentically. She needs to be told about matrescence.
She needs to know that motherhood is oppressive and confusing at times alongside the joy and meaning and purpose. And, through her matrescence journey, she will be born into a new sense of self. One that is more resilient, compassionate, humble, mindful and connected than she ever thought possible.
Like a teenager may dream of the simplicity of being a child again, a mother may dream of the simplicity of being *just*a woman again. But, just as an adult doesn’t want to return to being a child, a mother, and the woman she has become, would not want to go back to who she was before.
I would like to acknowledge and give gratitude to Dr Aurelie Athan for her incredible dedication to mothers and Matrescence and for her ongoing support of my learning about this important but little-known topic. Dr Aurelie Athan has created the conceptual model of Matrescence which incorporates biological/psychological/social/political/spiritual domains to help women make sense of their motherhood experience.
Bibliography
Athan, Aurelie. Matrescence: Education, Theory and Practice. Accessed 21 September, 2020. https://www.matrescence.com
Athan, Aurelie and Heather Reel. 2015. Maternal Psychology: Reflections on the 20th Anniversary of Deconstructing Developmental Psychology https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0959353514562804 (2015)
Athan, Aurelie. 2013. Motherhood as Opportunity to Learn Spiritual Values: Experiences and Insights of New Mothers.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/288827867_Motherhood_as_Opportunity_to_Learn_Spiritual_Values_Experiences_and_Insights_of_New_Mothers
Butterfield, Elizabeth. 2011. “Days and Nights of a new Mother”. In Motherhood — Philosophy for Everyone: The Birth of Wisdom, edited by Sheila Lintott. Chichester: John Wiley and Sons Ltd.
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Lintott, Sheila. 2011. Motherhood — Philosophy for Everyone: The Birth of Wisdom, edited by Sheila Lintott. Chichester: John Wiley and Sons Ltd.
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McKay, Sarah. 2020. The Pregnant Brain: Preparing the Mind for Motherhood. https://drsarahmckay.com/the-pregnant-brain/
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O’Reilly, Andrea. 2007. Maternal Theory: Essential Readings. Toronto: Demeter Press.
Rich, Adrienne. 1995. Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution. United States: W. W. Norton.
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Serrallach, Oscar. 2018. The Postnatal Depletion Cure. London: Sphere.
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